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Joke of the Day

"turn on: when you double space your essay and it goes from 3 to 5 pages"

"I'm having a completely dry January... ...no foreplay whatsoever. (Stolen from Gary Delaney's show this evening - great show Gary!)"

"DOCTOR: congratulations, it's a boy! *holds up baby tricycle* BICYCLE DAD: what the hell? BICYCLE MOM: *crying*"

"How do you get Martha Stewart to scream twice? Fuck her in the ass, then wipe your dick on the curtains."

"My wife's maggot soup surprise is better than it used to be now that it is topped with coal ash."

"Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins? A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was."

"John regrets getting a brain transplant. I guess he changed his mind."

"The worst part of Thanksgiving is all of the leftovers... and having to heat them up every time I want to eat since I quit cold turkey."

"What's annoying about going 90 in a school zone? The screaming speed bumps"

"What do you call an eternity? Four Blondes at a four way stop."