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Joke of the Day

"I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up"

"CONSERVE ENERGY: How would you feel if someone turned you on and then left?"

"Best exercise to lose a few pounds... So my friend who is a fitness instructor just came up with a new exercise to lose pounds in just a matter of days. He calls it the ""Brexit""."

"A Rabbi's money maker. A man asks a Rabbi if he gets paid for the circumcisions. The Rabbi says - No, I can't do that! I just Keep the tips!"

"""i am equally happy on the couch watching netflix or at a party with friends"" = ""the human condition is one of sickness & contradiction"""

"What do you call a fat girl with a rape whistle? Optimistic"

"What is a downies favourite song? Hot potato. Hot potato."

"My girlfriend told me that she's sick of me pretending I'm a cat Girlfriend: ""I'm sick of you pretending you're a cat. I packed your bags. I want you to go."" Me: ""Wait, are you kicking MEEEOOWWT???"""

"How do you tell the difference in an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? Taste"

"Why did the remorseful child-molester paint his toe-nails? He thought it would be a pedicure. ^^^sorry."