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Joke of the Day

"My girlfriend told me that she's sick of me pretending I'm a cat Girlfriend: ""I'm sick of you pretending you're a cat. I packed your bags. I want you to go."" Me: ""Wait, are you kicking MEEEOOWWT???"""

"After spending the last week stealing cars and killing people I just found out GTA had missions."

"So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola. Does anyone else get the feeling they don't know what ebola is?"

"I have a friend who won't admit that he dresses up as Santa every year. He's pretty deep in the Clauset."

"I drank a pint of beer in Saudi Arabia the other day... ... It cost me an arm and a leg."

"My next girlfriend I am going to train like my dog. She will be loyal, obedient, and lick herself."

"What is a Mexican bodybuilder's favorite supplement? Guey protein."

"Lions sleep 18 hrs a day.. If hard work is the secret to success , then donkeys would have been the kings of jungle!"

"Bernie demands change... whereas Hillary prefers cards or cheques."

"In a democracy, it's your vote that counts... ...and in feudalism, it's your Count that votes."