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Joke of the Day

"I know I'll never be a rocket scientist... because the amount of math they have to do is astronomical and I'm not very stellar at it."

"You can't spell ""secret government conspiracies"" without that 27th letter of the alphabet that they're hiding from us"

"If someone tells you they don't like some particular word, do not torment them with it. To do so is totally moist."

"""Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo"", I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to ""remove pizza from box before consumption""."

"""Nope, it needs more vowels"" - Hawaiians"

"So now i hear donald trump wants to put auto gun turrets on his wall I say, do the coastlines too. Keep out those merpeople!"

"Why did Julius Caesar want to quit politics? All that backstabbing was too much for him."

"I like my coffee like I like my women. Black and willing to choke me a little bit."

"After my most recent divorce, I'm now paying alimony to BOTH of my ex-wives... Owe for two."

"The first time your mom saw me naked She asked for an epidural"