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Joke of the Day

"My wife says I've left the toilet seat up ""like a bajillion times"" but I'm contacting Jill Stein to demand a recount."

"I cried because my Wi-Fi was slow until I saw a guy stuck talking with his kids because he had no internet at all."

"Two birds are sitting on a perch... The first one says, ""Hey... do you smell fish?"""

"So, today I woke up and asked my UK counterpart... ""Did you have eggs and bacon with your Brexit this morning?"""

"I've always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man."

"My doctor told me not to lift anything heavy! Now I have to sit down when I pee."

"I asked my Spanish friend if he knew what potassium is... He didn't. All he said was ""Que?"""

"That moment when you check the price tag and sadly walk away."

"[Donald Duck opens gift] Daisy: It's pants. Try them on! Donald: [stands] STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME WOMAN"

"Do you like the internet? Cause I can put you on there if you come back to my place."