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Joke of the Day

"""I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion."" -person who invented hand dryers"

"Relationship status: held a door open for a girl, so she used the other one"

"When I see Scary Spice now I can't help but think our fear threshold was much lower in the mid-90s"

"Santa isn't coming this year! Someone shot his Rudolph!"

"Why is it called a Wonder Bra? When she takes it off you wonder where her tits went."

"I was in a highbrow bar at the Ritz Carlton, and their Pianist was asking folks for requests. I said to him, ""Can you play an Etude by Chopin?"" He replied, ""Which one?"" I responded, ""The composer."""

"Fecophilia Man, fuck that shit."

"[dinner party] GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia? ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere."

"To the twenty something year old girls who think forty something year old women are jealous of them- enjoy your next 240 periods!"

"The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji..."