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Joke of the Day

"Lance Armstrong and Chuck Norris had a contest to see who had more balls... Chuck Norris won by three."

"Doc : You have been diagnosed with obesity. Me : Yeah it runs in my family. Doc : Nobody runs in your family, you fat fuck."

"What's the difference between feminists and hockey players? Hockey players shower after 3 periods."

"My friend who works at the movie theater died yesterday... Funeral services are being held today at 4:25, 5:40, 7:10 and 9:45"

"Shopping for Melons My wife sent me to the supermarket with a grocery list, but when I unfolded and read it, all it said was ""melons"". I guess it was the honey dew list."

"""I don't know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you and - oh sorry, wrong number."" - Liam Neeson in Mistaken"

"Can you see? I hate it when people ask what I will be doing in 5 years time? Sorry I just don't have 2020 vision"

"People are writing condolences on my Grandma's Facebook that sound more like Yelp reviews of her. Great woman, very loving, 5/5 stars"

"What do you get when you mix chocolate milk and cocaine? Ovalsheen. Credit goes to my cousin on this one."

"""Honey, have you seen the baby? I haven't seen the baby since I asked you to throw out the bath wat--OH DEAR GOD!!"" - birth of an expression"