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Joke of the Day

"Cell phone. Recliner. Beer. Not at work. This homeless guy is living the dream from what I can tell."

"I tell women I can't open that jar because I have a headache."

"Optimist vs Pessimist Optimist - The glass is half full Pessimist - The glass is half empty Feminist - The glass is being raped"

"What happened to the two mad vampires? They both went a little batty."

"People are like lottery tickets. You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time."

"If someone on this sub discovers a new type of rock they should name it something funny. Amirite?"

"What does a nosy chili pepper do? Gets jalapeno business"

"Why did black beard kill his first mate? He kept singing, ""your ho, your ho, a pirate's wife for me"""

"""Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning."" -me, speaking to this leftover pizza."

"I guess it's time to lose some weight. I cut myself shaving and gravy came out..."