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Joke of the Day

"People are like lottery tickets. You can point to a random one, say it's a loser, and you'll be right most of the time."

"*something awful happens* *checks if Mercury is in retrograde*"

"My Muslim girlfriend wants to blow me Should I be excited or call the cops?"

"What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta"

"What did the fish say when he swam into the wall? ""Dam"""

"if i'm bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i'd have to login using facebook, i'd be fine w/just dyin"

"Why are orphans bad at baseball? They don't know where home is."

"TIFU by ordering the wrong sandwich for my wife. Oops, wrong sub. Edit: Turns out this has been posted before :("

"Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories."

"What's the difference between an Anorexic girl and an escalator? The anorexic would not eat Chinese."