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Joke of the Day

"""Baby last night you were so hot, let's do it all over again this morning."" -me, speaking to this leftover pizza."

"What do UP! and push-up have in common? First you have a great time, but after 5 minutes you end up crying."

"Why did F'' (F double prime) have to go to the dentist? It had concavities..."

"I was at the ATM, and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, So I pushed her over."

"*Jesus, bursting out of a chest cavity, spraying the room with blood and viscera* ""My God, Johnny? DID YOU LET CHRIST INTO YOUR HEART?!?"""

"What is the definition of delusional? A bloke finishes fucking his blow up doll, rolls over and says was that as good for you as it was for me?"

"Why was 9 afraid of 7? Because 7 had some PCP and was going ape shit!"

"How do you get down off an elephant? You don't. You get down off a goose."

"Why is it customary to drink 8 mojitos a day in Cuba? It's the Hemming way."

"Remember when you were young and you used to blow bubbles? Well I heard he's out of prison and he's been looking for you..."