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Joke of the Day

"Kristen Stewart was raised by a pair of vacuum cleaners"

"What's got 90 balls and screws old women? BINGO!"

"My thesis just came back with ""Appendix?"" scrawled on it. Seems a little forward but I thought: sure, why not?."

"I see your point. You're right. My timing could have been much better. I'm sorry I proposed to you at your father's funeral."

"Cop: You were speeding so I'm going to be giving you a ticket Me: Ooh, could I win something Cop: Sort of, 2 more of these & you get a bike"

"What's the difference between Hillary Clinton and the American people? America doesn't want Bush."

"Nicki Minaj is probably my favorite Dr. Seuss character."

"What do women and hurricanes have in common? When they come, they are wet and wild, and when they leave they take the house."

"Felons would be a really valuable voting base... After all, we know they have conviction."

"My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she'll just get the dog all wet."