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Joke of the Day

"I once dumped a cross eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else%3ss eyed girl. I thought she was seeing someone else"

"someone asked : are you coming? me: No, but I'm breathing fast... them: me: them: me: I guess I'll save that one for Twitter"

"How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Two. One to screw in the bulb and one to suck my dick."

"The Lesbian couple next door... got me a Rolex for my birthday. I think they misunderstood me when I said ""I wanna watch."""

"Why did God give men penises? So they'd have at least one way to shut a woman up."

"""I don't know, do you guys really think the first rule should be 'Must Wash Hands?'"" early brainstorming session on Fight Club script."

"Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, ""My twitter girls would do that"""

"If a man runs over his wife, who's fault is it? The mans, why was he driving in the kitchen?"

"Julie: What time is it? Counsellor: Three o'clock. Julie: Ohno! Counsellor: What's the matter? Julie: I've been asking the time all day. And everybody gives me a different answer!"

"Top 3 questions asked by my parents: 3) How's the business? 2) Do you have a girlfriend? 1) Why are you stealing from our refrigerator?"