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Joke of the Day

"Take it from me. Your wife will not like it if you say, ""My twitter girls would do that"""

"DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape? JUDGE: I'll allow it PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF JUDGE: Let's see where he goes with this"

"What's green and yellow and eats nuts? Gonnorhea"

"I want a job cleaning mirrors... It's something I could really see myself doing."

"Why did the robot cross the road? Because it was carbon bonded to the chicken."

"I scared 5 and he buzzed while we played operation. He went and told my wife on me. Long story short, I'm sitting in timeout tweeting this."

"Apparently just because your dad had a bunch of DUI's, the cops won't accept ""tradition"" as an excuse as to why you're driving drunk."

"People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say ""Oh, look, a dead bird,"" and you look UP, we take your phone away"

"What does walking a tightrope and having period sex have in common? You don't want to look down, in either case."

"There are three types of people in the world. Those that are good at math and those that are not."