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Joke of the Day

"How does a blonde set the time on her alarm clock? She waits until midnight and plugs it back in. Disclaimer: I know it's terrible, I was very young when I came up with it."

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"I like my coffee like I like my women... Without a penis."
"I had to unplug my mom's life support today. She always told me to finish my vegetables."
"So I was dating this girl... ...she was so posh, every time she had an orgasm she'd scream: ""I'm arriving!"""
"The cannibal priest told his flock to close their eyes and say grace. ""For whosoever we are about to eat may the Lord make us truly thankful."""
"Cop: Is that a turtle? Me: ... Cop: Painted blue? Me: ... Cop: With nails glued on? Me: ... Cop: Mario Kart's not real Me: YOURE NOT REAL"
"How do you refer to a necessary bear? Pandatory. Stupid, I know."
"What do you call a procrastinating woodpecker? A wouldpecker"
"Ever heard of a 6.9? It's just another great thing ruined by a period."
"It's like grandma always said... In a car with a sunroof, you have more room for your legs"