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Joke of the Day

"If Jesus played soccer, what position would he play? Not on the wing, he doesn't do well with crosses."

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"HER: I love Deadpool ME: I love Dead Pool HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too? ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims' bodies* Hmm?"

"Feed me pieces of baguette by the park bench like one of your French squirrels."

"What do you call someone from Zimbabwe holding a bottle cap in their hand? A trillionaire."

"If I ever get a dog I'm going to teach him how to fetch useful things like tv remotes, iPhones and men who like red wine."

"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make Then they call me ugly and poor."

"[music club] what should we play today [hand goes up] yes joe? ""banjo"" all those who wanna ban joe raise their hand [everyones hand goes up]"

"I want to tell you guys a small joke It's very puny!"

"[Wedding] ""...to join these two in holy matrimony. The Ring, please?"" [Maid of Honor pops tape in VCR.] [One week later: everyone dies.]"