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Joke of the Day

"No thanks ""protected account"". You can't trick me into following you! For all I know, you could be a vegan."

"So, Thor is going to be female from now on. I bet Chris Hemsworth wishes he'd paid more attention to the small print when signing that Avengers contract"

"I blamed being late for work on Rush Hour... The next day I blamed it on Rush Hour 2 (Original credit goes to @murrman5 on twitter)"

"Cowboy . . . and no vet How did the cowboy know his pony was getting sick? He was a little hoarse."

"When a friend dies, I'm not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally ""poke"" them to see if they're still dead."

"me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda"

"I got a ticket for bandaging a cat's broken tail A cop pulled up and gave me a ticket for retailing pussy in a residential area"

"Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected."

"What do you call an Egyptian spine manipulator? A Cairo-practor"

"Exercising Grandmother My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where the hell she is."