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Joke of the Day

"I blamed being late for work on Rush Hour... The next day I blamed it on Rush Hour 2 (Original credit goes to @murrman5 on twitter)"

"Did you know an NFL player was the first to land on the moon? He planted a flag, but a ref came by and picked it back up."

"Terrorists in Hawaii be like.. ..Aloha Akbar."

"""Daddy, are vampires real?"" ""No, sweetie. Go back to bed."" *waits until daughter is asleep* *grabs red Sharpie* *draws 2 dots on her neck*"

"I got arrested today for not opening the door for my neighbour.... Apparently it's illegal to keep him locked inside my house"

"What's green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree would kill you? A pool table."

"Did you hear about the plane that flew over the Java Sea? it crashed."

"Just bumped into a confused J.D Salinger... Just bumped into a confused J.D Salinger in the bread shop. He was looking for foccacia in the rye."

"Sleeping in could easily be my superpower. If not for my arch-nemesis, having to pee."

"Blood is thicker than water. But maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. I said it."