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Joke of the Day

"me: [letting dog lick my face] wife: that's disgusting me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you're the one who used all the hot water linda"

"You know what they say about vasectomies... There's a vas deferens between the good ones and the bad ones. Thought of this yesterday, probobally done before but whatever"

"Whenever someone starts checking their phone when I'm talking to them I like to regain their attention by combing their hair"

"If you love something, set it free. If it returns, it probably can't pay its student loans."

"As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award."

"I just want to be rich enough to add bacon without asking how much more it costs."

"Damn girl, are you a hoover? Cuz dam"

"Text REDCROSS to a girl and be like"" oops wrong number, I was trying to donate for the 5th time today"" then she'll sex you guaranteed."

"I had my first UFO experience this morning I walked into the kitchen and said to the missus ""Morning fat ass"". Next thing there were flying saucers coming at me from everywhere!"

"I used to date a girl with one leg who worked at a brewery. She was in charge of the hops."