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Joke of the Day

"Did you hear about the guy who invented Lifesavers? They say he made a mint."

"DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early."

"YO' MAMA IS LIKE... ASS HAIR Yo' Mama is like ass hair: totally useless and full of sh*t."

"How many legs does an elephant have if you count his trunk as a leg? Four. Because calling the trunk a leg doesn't make it a leg."

"Accidentally used the elephant emoji so thanks, Apple, for the next five hours of fighting"

"There aren't enough hours in the day to put off the things I don't want to do"

"I try to always be the bigger person by hanging out with a lot of short people"

"Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define ""true friend."" Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419."

"I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule."

"[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*"