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Joke of the Day

"[leaving 5 minute voicemail] ...and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*"

"Two Russian pilots in Syria - Hi, what have you been doing today? - Bombing the ISIS headquarters... - Which one, the main headquarters? - No man, the main headquarters is on the other continent..."

"What did one white cop say to another white cop? Another black man bites the dust."

"Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake? ""Hi, I'm better than you"""

"*strums guitar* This is a little ditty I've been working on called ""Stop putting nuts in the god damn brownies"" Hope you like it."

"I was nervous my first day in, so I walked up to the toughest guy in the cafeteria and knocked him out... but I lost my job as a middle school teacher"

"do you know what is worst than a bad joke?"

"Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We're all crying. It's awesome."

"Not to play the martyr, but I feel like the thousands of fruit flies in my kitchen should be more appreciative for all I have given them."

"The average life expectancy for a human being is one life."