128315

Joke of the Day

"Shrink: How many true friends do you believe you have? Me: Define ""true friend."" Shrink: Someone you feel you can tell anything. Me: 11,419."

"Hindsight is $20.20. Don't even ask me what she charged to see her boobs."

"The GOP debate. What a shitshow."

"What made the insomniac so boring? He just wasn't into resting."

"You ever get off the toilet and think... Man, was I full of shit!"

"Time flies like the wind. Fruit flies like... bananas!"

"You: ""Whale you be my Valentuna?"" Me: ""Dolphinately."""

"Trump released medical records from a Gastroenterologist Giving us proof of an ""astonishingly excellent"" asshole."

"Got a new car for my girlfriend, best trade I ever made."

"MY DATE WHO IS A SQUID: What movie should we see? ME, SECRETLY TRYING TO HARVEST HER INK: Something super scary *I empty my popcorn bucket*"