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Joke of the Day

"*stares at phone* why cant i sleep *puts phone face-up on bed, the screen brigtness bathes my room in a light mor powerfubl than the sun* oh"

"[Calls an ex] Ex: Hello Me: Remember how you lied about everything Ex: Why are you doing this Me: It's Throwback Thursday"

"wanna hear about the biggest conspiracy theory of all time involving millions of people dominating millions of others? feminism."

"A man spent millions on an impressionist painting then ate it... He put his Monet where his mouth is."

"The new fun way to tell if a celebrity is crazy is by how many times they delete and reactivate their Twitter account."

"He arrives mysteriously. Helps others, performs miracles, is betrayed, dies, is resurrected, and ascends into the heavens. - E.T. (1982) PG"

"What do you call a homosexual black male? Spear Sucker !"

"Why couldn't the apple send an e-mail to the orange? Because the lime was engaged."

"What kind of liquid does a pig's printer use? oink"

"Me: Off to adult school recess! Boss: it's called lunch.. Me: *runs by dribbling basketball with two hands"