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Joke of the Day

"10th anniversary So my girlfriends dad just accused me of pedophilia, she is 18 and I am 32. It ruined our 10th anniversary"

"If April Showers bring May Flowers, What do May Flowers bring? Histamines"

"Enjoy your animal shaped biscuits. Do not eat if seal is broken."

"Got a long rambling phone call in spanish.. I don't know who they were, or what they were saying, but im pretty sure they're bringing me tostadas in one hour."

"There are shockingly few security guards at dog shows. You can run out and pet 4 or 5 dogs before they catch you. Last time I pet 8 of them."

"Cigarette: Hey buddy. Me: I don't smoke anymore. Cigarette: But buddy. Me: NO. Cigarette: Buddy? Me: You do make a good point. Fine."

"A mugger was able to lure a woman very easily behind the building where he always sits... She was right up his alley."

"Pokemon is hard, it took me forever to get this rabbit in my tupperware bowl."

"Why did the religious person give up smoking? Because God hates fags."

"How do you know your girlfriend is getting fat? She can fit into your wife's clothes."