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Joke of the Day

"You know those disgusting people who lick their fingers instead of using a napkin in public? Hi."

"Did you hear about the man with no penis? He went home and gave his wife a right bollocking."

"Accidentally got melted butter on some fried chicken and this is my delicious origin story."

"How To Impress Your Boss 1. Show up early. 2. Have all the tools you need. 3. Read the strategy guide. 4. Aim for the big glowing weak spot (usually the eyes)."

"A man asks his wife on a Friday evening... Husband: Shall we have a nice weekend? Wife: Sure, why not? Husband: Ok then, see you on Monday!"

"Why don't Pirates get invited to Birthday parties? Because they always steal doubloons"

"Went to the doctor the other day, he told me I had to stop masturbating... I asked him why and he said, ""Because I'm trying to examine you"""

"What do you say to pasta that gets thrown out? Hasta la pasta baby."

"Trainer: What's the most intense part of your work out? Me: Getting into my sports bra."

"Sorry I declined your Facebook friend request, but I can't have those sideburns popping up in my news feed unannounced."