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Joke of the Day

"I stopped writing poetry when I realized their only value was to threaten to read them to people if they didn't do what I wanted."

"How many nurses does it take to change a light bulb? None they just have a nursing assistant do it. As much as the doctor orders."

"It's mean to give a homeless person money for food without giving him money for a phone too... How do you expect him to Instargram the food?"

"What do you call a wolf that's aware of its surroundings? Awarewolf"

"I'm organizing a party for people who can't ejaculate Please tell me if you can't come."

"""The trash compactor is full so just dump that in a pan for now."" - Inventor of the fruit cake."

"Sorry girl, you knew you were dating a bad boy *saves used gift bag because those things are expensive*"

"If my calculations are correct, slinky + escalator = everlasting fun."

"What do you get when you push a cow out of a plane? Ground beef"

"""Good timing, Ke$ha"" I say as her song starts playing on the radio and I turn on the vacuum cleaner."