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Joke of the Day

"WIFE: you're so overly dramatic ME: no i'm not [10 hired backup singers burst through the wall shouting ""no he's not""] dammit guys, not now"

"I put the 'c**k' in 'puts c**k in anything'."

"Don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. Their phone is probably just ""on silent"" or ""right in front of their lying face."""

"I always use chloroform when stealing a child. Really puts the ""nap"" in ""kidnap""."

"WHISKERS: There's nothing there. Go ahead. BLIND PERSON: *Steps off cliff* WHISKERS: Technically ^-- why we don't have seeing-eye cats"

"Have you heard about that new movie, ""The Homophobic Preacher""? Hasn't come out yet."

"I spotted a subtweet and also spotted a squirrel with a juice box... I'll let you guess which one had a greater impact on my life."

"Which tornadoes are the most refreshing? F5 tornadoes."

"What's the difference between a communist and a feminist? The communist wants equality"

"My coffee tastes like the dishwasher. Makes me wonder how Carl's doing and if he still has that same distinct flavor."