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Joke of the Day

"Don't be offended if someone doesn't reply to your text. Their phone is probably just ""on silent"" or ""right in front of their lying face."""

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"Why did the Farmer win a Nobel-Prize? Because he was outstanding in his field"
"There's a spoiler in the description. There's a spoiler in the title."
"*Prosecution points to badger*: Objection! This animal has no place in court! Defense: Your honor, the badger is prosecuting the witness"
"Why did the computer scientist die in the shower? The bottle of shampoo said, ""Lather, Rinse, Repeat."""
"A double-amputee walks into a bar Then he remembers he's already legless and walks out again."
"Had sex in a kiddie pool full of jam once. *pops jean jacket collar* I got marmalaid."
"I say ""Hey man, I got your back."" He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. ""Baby got back."" I say"
"What lives in apples and is an avid reader? A bookworm !"
"I feel like I could beat a polygraph test every time I tell someone that I'll make sure to return the Tupperware that the dish came in."