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Joke of the Day

"[robbing Whole Foods] ""All the cash in a bag NOW!"" 100% organic reusable bag ok? ""Yes!"" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag"

"What do you get if you cross a telephone with a hunting dog? A golden receiver!"

"Q: What is the difference between a trumpet soloist and King Kong? A: King Kong is more sensitive."

"Father: Don't you think our son gets his brains from me? Mother: Probably dear. I still have all of mine."

"The secrets of the baking industry are given out only on a knead to dough basis."

"Of course I'm English. I'm the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day."

"What cereal do impotent men eat? Nut-N Raisin Honey"

"What do bricks and Latinas have in common? They both get laid by Mexicans..."

"What's Christopher Nolan's favorite song? BBBRRAAAAAAAHHHHHMMM...'s lullaby."

"Why did the doctor go the furniture store? Because he needed a stool sample."