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Joke of the Day

"[robbing Whole Foods] ""All the cash in a bag NOW!"" 100% organic reusable bag ok? ""Yes!"" [puts half the cash] I had to charge for the bag"

"I asked my dad if I was adopted... He said, ""No, but not from lack of trying."""

"Two things I will never grasp in life: 1. What to write in birthday cards. 2. What to do when people are singing happy birthday to me."

"If I were Stevie Wonder I would say ""I'll believe it when I see it"" in response to pretty much anything just to piss people off."

"Only 50 more days til we find out who's our next President! Last time I was nauseous 50 days straight, at least I got a baby out of it!"

"Why can't sluts count to seventy? 69 is a mouthful."

"What do you call innocent women and children dying in the middle east? Freedom"

"What do you call a blind german? A not see"

"Hey Journey, I stopped believing. What now?"

"[therapy session] THERAPIST: ok...I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine...but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park ME: nuh uh"