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Joke of the Day

"[therapy session] THERAPIST: ok...I totally respect your feelings & you sound genuine...but that was just the plot of Jurassic Park ME: nuh uh"

"Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte has to eat enough to feed a family of 4 every day. He has to! I just do it because I feel like it."

"What does a goat have when it gives birth? A kid."

"Heard on Haight St. the other day: Why didnt the lifeguard save the drowning hippie? Cause he was just too far out, man. Edit: I work on Haight St. This was in exchange for one cigarette."

"A gambling addict begins his 5th stretch of therapy... ""It failed 4 times in a row, so it's bound to work this time."""

"Spending a day at the beach is awesome when I dress the ugly girls with my eyes."

"My college girlfriend texted me for the first time in 10 years this weekend and I'm 1 million percent sure this is Adele's fault"

"Have you heard about the guy who finally overcame his coprophilia? He got off scat-free"

"Where's the best place to hide money from a Mexican? Under a bar of soap."

"A new prisoner meets Elsa in his new cell... A new prisoner meets Elsa in a cell in the prison. He asks her: ""Why are you here?"" And Elsa answers: ""Because they don't let me go."""