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Joke of the Day

"*shows up at ur door holding a bouquet of flowers with all the petals ripped off* hi, i brought u som flowers that told me u love me"

"Why do beta fish fight each other? Because they're trying to figure out who's the betta fish"

"You remind me of my pinkie toe because I know I'm eventually going to bang you on every piece of furniture in my place."

"What goes in big and hard and comes out soft and soggy? Bubble gum."

"What's the longest word in the world? Smiles. Because there's a mile between each 'S'."

"It's cool how in England they call trucks ""lorries"" and dentists ""never"""

"Why was the hipster sweating? ...He wore a scarf before it was cool."

"Somewhere in Brooklyn there's a baby named Helvetica being fussy about eating pureed kale and sleeping in his crib of repurposed bike parts."

"Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their GODS lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check."

"INTERVIEWER: what's your greatest strength? ME: shape shifting INTERVIEWER: is that so? INTERVIEWER: yes INTERVIEWER: holy shit"