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Joke of the Day

"Meet my cat, Hemingway. And my two dogs, Faulkner and Whitman. I know what books are. Ah yes, my macaw approaches. His name is Literature"

"What does a Mexican duck say? GUACK"

"[consoling grieving widow] so I guess you'll be looking for a new owner for his pokemon collection?"

"Have you heard of the hysterical TIE fighter squadron? ... lol lol lol lol ..."

"Your mama so fat that NASA thought they found a new planet Dad stop it."

"My friend can't eat pizza because he's lactose intolerant It gives him pizzeria"

"My wife came into my room at the ER and started unplugging stuff and flipping switches until she realized that I had just sprained my ankle."

"If animals took over the world, what would be they're first decree? O'LAMACARE!!!!!"

"Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make... Then they don't call me at all."

"Going back to work in 10 mins. When I'm back, this better be front page, Reddit."