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Joke of the Day

"Don't mean to brag but I can turn a pair of fat pants into skinny jeans in like 3.5 months"

"What do you call an Artist in a Dark Alley? Sketchy"

"Me: *passes out pizza* 3: no fair, you have 4 slices and I only have 2 Me: *cuts his 2 slices into 6 slices* 3: wow, thank you"

"If I donate blood and you're in an unfortunate circumstance of needing it don't blame me for never being able to pass a drug test again."

"WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT"

"What comes after Z? A question mark."

"""You know, I'm doomed to get eternal damnation to the Hell"" said Edward Cullen. -- Because you are a vampire, creature of Night and Darkness? -- No, because I'm an atheist."

"Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails"

"They've discovered King Kong was indeed heterosexual... ...it was booty that killed the beast."

"We built this city on rock n roll, bits of hair, couple of pieces of carpet we found. It's a horrible place to live honestly."