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Joke of the Day

"I hired a private investigator but he spent two days staring at my hedges Turned out he was a privet investigator."

"Two fish are in a tank. One fish turns to the other and says ""Do you know how to drive this thing?"" The other fish says ""Holy shit a talking fish!"""

"How can you tell if an elephant's been to your birthday party? Look for his footprints in the ice cream."

"And that, Romeo, is why we usually try to take a pulse first."

"My car's tank is on E and I'm still driving... Call me crazy, but I think I just beat the system!"

"Sorry if my tweets aren't good enough for you, person who retweets Cher"

"I think I want to clean mirrors for a living It's just a job I can see myself doing"

"When did razors get so expensive? Three more payments and I'll be able to shave"

"5: Daddy, can we go get ice cream? Me: I don't see why not. 5: Mommy said I couldn't. M: Hey, there's the why not."

"Try this: In a crowded hallway, say out loud, ""Oh my god look at the blood on her pants."" Whatever girl turns around is on her period.."