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Joke of the Day

"Everyone on twitter is single, pretending to be single, or about to be single"

"The way I react when my alarm clock goes off can best be described as ""17-year-old girl being denied a curfew extension."""

"[aquarium] Me: ""That's a lot of octopussies to occupy a tank."" Guide: ""it's octopi."" Me: ""Oh..that's a lot of octopussies to octopi a tank."""

"Someone just filled me in about those small places in the hot, sandy desert called an ""Oasis."" ... That's where the Arab boys go to eat their dates."

"As I walked down an alley today, I was accosted by what I thought was an angry, needy turnip. It turned to be a ruder beggar."

"A man tried to keep two crows illegally as pets! He was arrested for attempted murder."

"What's the difference between this post and a fire truck? A fire truck is red and has four wheels while this post is a complete fucking waste of your time."

"*discretely picks a booger* *slyly wipes it on her blouse* Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse."

"Its gone viral Bird flu - 45 million dead chickens and turkeys."

"I've satisfied every waitress I've met... With just the tip"