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Joke of the Day

"Kid: would you rather be the Evil Queen or the Wicked Witch? M: I'd rather be the Mom K: ooh, right. Much scarier."

"What do you get when you cross an octopus and a cow? A stern letter from the ethics committee and an immediate cessation of funding. *stolen from I Fucking Love Science"

"i hate when the news guys say ""our nation's capital"". stop jerking us around and tell us what city it is"

"I was holding my cousin's baby when I shouted SPOILER ALERT: LIFE SUCKS & that's why I'm no longer allowed to hold my cousin's baby"

"Well it looks like it's just you and me.. [tumbleweed starts rolling away] WAIT TUMBLY, NO"

"Why would anyone ever want to fly Virgin Airlines? The last thing you want to do is get on a plane that doesn't go all the way."

"Offering the floral arrangement as a meal to the gluten free, lactose intolerant, allergy ridden vegetarian is apparently not ok."

"What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving? 1. Minimum wage 2. Police reform 3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise"

"Sticks and stones may break your bones, but a Chuck Norris glare will liquefy your kidneys."

"New acronym we need: IDOCHBEI ""I'm doing okay considering how bad everything is."" Pronounced: ""ih-DOCK-bay"""