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Joke of the Day

"My boss fired me today for accidentally deleting over 1000MB of important files He told me I lost the gig..."

"classical music sounds really fancy and proper for something composed by guys who threw a bucket of their turds out the window every morning"

"Plot twist *Where do YOU see ME in 5 years.."

"Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he's wrong and you are positive their names are ""Batman and Robert""."

"What's the difference between a basketball player and a mexican? Nothing, they both run, jump, shoot and steal."

"(prostate exam) Dr: WOW! I've never seen this before Me: OMG! WHAT *loud click Me: DID YOU JUST TAKE A SELFIE Dr:.. And send Me: WTF?"

"me: Dave's coming over wife: Nice Dave or Dave who picked a fight with a kid named Cancer? *Dave walks in wearing an ""I Beat Cancer"" shirt*"

"I wish more fat people would utilize the phrase ""Blimpin ain't easy."""

"*stomps feet during a tantrum, reaches fitbit step goal*"

"How many flies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? 2, but how do you get them in there?"