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Joke of the Day

"In a parallel universe, a group of sentient guitars groan as one guitar gets out a human at a party."

"Mr. Penis has a sad life. His hair is a mess, his family is nuts, his neighbour is an asshole, his bestfriend is a pussy and his owner beats him habitually!"

"[interview for fireman] ""So why do you think you're a good fireman?"" I lit the building on fire ""What?"" Now watch as I try to put it out"

"Co-Worker: Can I get a quick word? Me: Velocity. Co-Worker: ..."

"Why shouldn't you talk to someone with a brain tumor?.... ..because they've got a lot on their mind."

"The speed at which you walk into the liquor store says a lot about you as a person."

"Its snowing really hard... It is really hard to see anyone in the outside world. I guess you could say I'm Snowden."

"A horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says ""Heeeeyeyeyeyey, why the looooong face?"" And the horse replies ""Because the guy telling the joke that I'm starring in has bad...comic...*timing.*"""

"A lesbian tried to hit on me today, so I let her know that I was straight. She told me, ""Spaghetti is straight too, till it gets wet"""

"To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce"