22059

Joke of the Day

"A horse walks into a bar... ...and the bartender says ""Heeeeyeyeyeyey, why the looooong face?"" And the horse replies ""Because the guy telling the joke that I'm starring in has bad...comic...*timing.*"""

"Congress always makes me feel nostalgic for college when I waited for the last minute to do shitty work and blame anyone but myself."

"Judge: Sir, need I remind you that you are under oath? Goldfish defendant: Yes."

"What's it called if you re-evaluate your butt? In hiney-sight."

"Before I had a kid I thought, god, I wish I could say ""please put your shoes on"" 17,000 times every morning. My dreams have come true."

"7: I'm beating you! Me: Ok. 7: I'm way ahead! Me: I see that. 7: I'm gonna win! Me:.... My son on the carousel horse in front of me."

"6: I'm going outside to play. Me: Stay in your own yard. 6: Define ""my own yard"" Me: .... have fun. So her mother's child."

"My friend's name is Jesus. So if I go driving with him, can Jesus literally take the wheel?"

"Have you heard about the rioting in Baltimore? So far they've caused 4 million dollars in improvements."

"I want to pass away peacefully, in my sleep, like my Grandpa did. Not screaming in a car crash like the passengers in his car."