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Joke of the Day

"I forgot my phone when I went to the toilet today. We have 245 tiles."

"""What's your favourite Pixar film?"" ""Up, yours?"" ""No need to be like that I was only asking"""

"The most tedious aspect of my job is the part where I have to jiggle the mouse every 30 minutes to keep the screensaver from activating."

"Just saw a poor girl crying in the library, devastated about something. So I pulled up a chair, leaned in and said ""You can shut up or go outside, I've got an exam tomorrow""."

"I think my cats hate people as much as I do. Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me."

"A hooker is a lot like a Christmas gift... It's fun to unwrap, but you never know what you're gonna get."

"Three reddit mods walk into a bar [Removed]"

"Kids, I don't know if our ceiling is the best ceiling... ...but it's definitely up there."

"There is a big difference between ""friends"" and ""Facebook friends"""

"OMG THIS ACTUALLY WORKS! 1. hold breath 5 mins 2. die"