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Joke of the Day

"How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Just two. The trouble's getting them in there."

"Whenever I weigh myself, I always subtract 10 pounds. I don't think boobs, brains, and an ass this fabulous should count against me."

"How i feel when i find out Tom Brady is suspended for 4 games"

"It's so insulting when people think they need to explain simple things to me. I mean like, don't consume I'm dumb n shit, you know?"

"A recent study of blue-collar workers showed that what they love best about their jobs is their days off."

"MAYOR'S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it's really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket"

"Sure, I have gluten free Halloween candy for your kid. *Reaches in pocket & pulls out middle finger* Get off my lawn before I call the cops"

"I'm so happy I'm not as cool as you. Because then I'd be a huge fucking asshole."

"*googles murder tips *adds ""asking for a friend"" at the end of each search They won't be able to prove a thing! *evil cackles"

"The Amish girl was excommunicated... ...too Mennonite."