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Joke of the Day

"If I get married, I'd take my wife to a deserted island on our honeymoon. On our 15th anniversary, I'd return to pick her up. Maybe."

"""Stomach...Lungs...Kidneys....Heart."" - Me, at my organ recital. (Not even slightly sorry)"

"It doesn't matter if the glass is half empty or half full. There is clearly room for more alcohol."

"why are people so disgusted when someone farts around them? I mean, come on, a little gas never killed anyone"

"What do you call a septic cat? pussy."

"I've got the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the San Diego zoo."

"ELI5: Why do i suck at posting in the right sub?"

"I've been working really hard on controlling my alcoholism I can't remember the last time I blacked out."

"What does a Polish bride get on her wedding night that's long and hard? A new last name."

"When people are singing Happy Birthday to me, I have no idea where to look."