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Joke of the Day

"Damn, girl, are you a map? Because you give me D-rections."

"Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood* 5-year-old: Who's there? Me: It's not a knock knock joke. 5: It's not a knock knock joke who?"

"Who will stop Donald Trump? The First Amendment people."

"How do you impregnate a nun? You fuck her."

"Stare at the waitress's boobs when you tell her you want ""everything"" on your sandwich. Ya never know..."

"Coworker: It'll either work or it won't. Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes."

"What do you call a camel with three humps? Pregnant."

"I was playing Battleship with my tumor... I won though, my last hit was B9."

"[eharmony] based on your responses, your perfect match is a trashcan.. [me] aww [eharmony] ..full of raccoons [me] omg I love raccoons"

"What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment!!!!"