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Joke of the Day

"What time did Sean Connery arrive at Wimbledon? Around Ten-ish."

"If I had a dollar for every time I was wrong, I'd be incredibly broke."

"I am not fake. I am not a parody. I am the Lord thy God, King of the Universe, you cosmic dipshits."

"Michael Jackson loves the holiday season It starts with Black Friday, and it ends with a White Christmas. I'll show myself out."

"What do you call a psychic midget who escaped from prison? A small medium at large."

"Have you heard about the gay boogeyman? He'll hide anywhere *except* your closet."

"Patient: Doc what should I do with all the gold and silver in my mouth? Dentist: Don't smile in a bad neighborhood."

"In 'One Really Long Metal Claw' (the bear version of 'Hook'), what did Captain Onereallylongmetalclaw really hate? Clawcks."

"A teacher asks her class what noise a pig makes... Lil Tyrone raises his hand and says ""Freeze mothafucka!"" I guess there aren't any farms in Detroit."

"[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]"