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Joke of the Day

"[plays dead to stop a bear from chasing me but then it plays dead next to me and we end stargazing together, forming a spiritual connection]"

"Amelia Earfart was the first woman to transatlantic fart around the world. it was silent but deadly. i love you."

"What's the difference between a onion and a prostitute? I don't cry when I cut prostitutes."

"When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."

"How do you make Instagram worthy coffee? #nofilter"

"A couple of cats and dogs were seen wearing crowns. I think they're reigning cats and dogs."

"Drew Barrymore Now I just need to colour him in"

"Offense: When it's a legal matter, it's pronounced o-FENCE. When it's sports, it's pronounced OFF-ence. Climbing... ? A fence."

"Apparently this dude at the mall was just tying his shoe and did NOT want to play leap frog. My bad, dude. My bad."

"I need to make a change. I haven't given a fuck my entire life. I'm still a virgin."