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Joke of the Day

"You know you're single when the only calls you get at night are Nature's."

"If I had a dollar for every time an idea got shot down in the meeting because ""We don't have the budget"", I would finally have the money to execute that idea."

"Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night."

"I brush my teeth a lot longer when I'm around another person."

"Operator: ""9-1-1 please hold..."" Me: ""Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second."" Murderer: ""K."""

"Getting caught under your desk and coming up with nothing in your hand is always so hard to explain."

"Dogs are all ""huh?"" while cats are all ""ugh."""

"What do you call a frozen hamburger? A ham-brrr-ger. my 7yo claims she made it up herself."

"Playing doctors and nurses with the wife in the bedroom last night didn't go very well. Especially when I diagnosed her as clinically obese."

"I was redditing while on the toilet when... I almost dropped my phone..... literally scared the shit out of me"