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Joke of the Day

"Licking whiskey off your keyboard in the morning is something everyone does, right?"

"I took the batterys out of my carbon monoxide detector. It was beeping the whole week, and my roof told me to."

"What do you call a midget with no arms and a stumpy leg? A person. Don't be an asshole."

"A white female President's first order of business would be instituting the ""No Cupcake Left Un-Instragrammed"" act."

"So a man walks into a bar... and never comes back for my entire childhood. Where are you dad?"

"I haven't gone to the washroom in 2 days No shits given"

"I was in a band called Obese Bastards. What can I say. We went through a stage."

"Watching the Olympics. Me: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AMAZING! GOLD MEDAL! Announcer: Ohhh! Not a good performance, those scores will not be pretty."

"I'm at my most cardio when I am moving the treadmill into storage"

"Chuck Norris owns a chain of fast-food restaurants throughout the southwest. They serve nothing but barbecue-flavored ice cream and Hot Pockets."