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Joke of the Day

"How do you know when your girlfriend is putting on too much weight? She starts fitting into your wife's clothes"

"Out of all the children's stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How's someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh"

"""Of course size matters!"" My girlfriend screamed when I told her how big it was. Who the fuck wants a small pizza?"

"I want to see a movie where a robot gains consciousness and realizes its a loser and doesn't want to do anything"

"So Stephen Hawking walks into a bar... Just kidding."

"While visiting Ireland last year, a nice friendly old man said to me... ""Sir, if you ever come within a mile of my house, I hope you will stop there."""

"My girlfriend lost the key to her chastity belt. But she's too lazy to go looking for it. She can't be fucked."

"Help! I have food stuck in my throat! Haha, just choking!"

"Did you mean pacific or specific? Cuz seriously, one is an ocean."

"I wish 1992 Dr. Dre would come back from the past and beat the shit out of 2012 Dr. Dre for charging 300 bucks for a pair of headphones."