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Joke of the Day

"ME: My husband says you use special traps that put the mice outside to play with their friends EXTERMINATOR [LOOKS AT HUSBAND]: umm, yeaahh"

"Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don't do it in the bathtub."

"my bf is wonderful but he will never be as soft as my roommate's dog who moved out of the house WHY GREG WHY CAN'T YOU BE AS SOFT AS THE DOG"

"where are opie and anthony from? ethiopia"

"Some nights I stare at the stars wondering if you can see the same ones Then I realize, of course you can, I'm in your backyard"

"Yes Pony Express? I ordered a pony 27 minutes ago and I still didn't get it. What kind of fast food joint do you run here?"

"sex and air Q.why is sex a lot like air A.because it's a big deal unless your not getting any"

"White Boards are... Remarkable."

"What's it called when you remember a good meme? A Memento"

"Professor: Heavens! Someone stole my wallet! Wife: Didn't you feel a hand in your pocket? Professor Yes but I thought it was mine!"