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Joke of the Day

"The scene in lady and the tramp but as our lips meet I carry on sucking. You feel the pasta travel back up your throat. My pasta My. Pasta"

"What do you call an emotionally unstable animal who lives in alaska and vacations in antarctica? A BIPOLAR BEAR"

"I saw this sign that mad me shit my pants. It said 'bathroom closed'"

"When my cats look out the window at another cat I like to pretend they're judging and disparaging it with little British accents."

"Thursday is like your high school boyfriend. It feels good but you know something better is right around the corner."

"I mean, really though, who hasn't seen a UFO at this point?"

"Not only is my new thesaurus terrible, But it's also terrible."

"Did you guys hear about Joan Rivers? The mortuary got $32 at the recycling center for her body."

"Did you hear about the pig's vacation? They had a wonderful time at Yellowstone National Park. They dressed up as bears and raided all the garbage cans."

"""W.A.D."" a simple mnemonic device for remembering the steps in folding a fitted sheet stands for: 1. Wad it up; 2. And; 3. Done"