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Joke of the Day

"Thursday is like your high school boyfriend. It feels good but you know something better is right around the corner."

"A Nurse finds a rectal thermometer in her pocket ...and says ""some asshole's got my pen"""

"How do you get everyone in a chemistry department to kill themselves? Get them to unionize"

"What does Harry Potter say when he wants a cigarette? Tobaccio"

"What do you call the study of food prices? EcoNOM-NOM-NOMics."

"How many babies does it take to paint a fence? Depends how hard you throw them"

"What's tinier than a teeny weenie ant? An ant's teeny weenie."

"Mum thinks she's Dad. **Dad:** Honey, where oh where is a pair of my underwear? **Mum:** Your underwear is under there. **Dad:** Under where? **Mum:** Yes."

"My wife opened one of her birthday presents early, saying that it was ""practically screaming out at her"" That's the last time I buy her an orphan"

"Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don't come to work :("